Category Archives: teh sex

More Important Things Than Orgasms

Ah, the holidays. When people get in contact with people they haven’t talked to in a while. Such as Sillyhead. 

Sillyhead is obviously not a real name, but it’s an accurate descriptor of the person I’m about to describe. Sillyhead calls every year before the major holidays to basically find out if I’m going to be in a particular neck of the woods. Sillyhead and I used to be on intimate terms, someone whom I loved but even back then I knew we’d never spend our whole lives together. Our conversations always turn towards that topic at some point in the conversation. 

  Sillyhead being Sillyhead, though, it tends to hit me out of left field. So I’m regailing Sillyhead with a story about Geeky!Guy, a dear friend who is almost on par with Sillyhead for Dumb Stunt of the Year, when Sillyhead butts in.”Seems like a nice guy. It’s good you’re getting orgasms every once in a while.”

I did that thing from the movies where you take the phone away from your ear and stare at it for a few moments. “Uh, it’s not that kind of relationship,” I told Sillyhead. “And my orgasms are none of your business.” 

The phone went quiet for a few moments. It was the first time I’d responded to Sillyhead’s biennial stupid statements like that. Sillyhead got back on the phone and started talking about something else.

But that has been annoying me for nigh on a month now, and I think I have it figured out. I’ve all but given up on the media. The media’s message is that if you’re not having sex RIGHT NOW, well, it’s all your fault. But don’t fret, they will sell you a pill/ diet/ face cream/ hair extensions/ car/ beer/ lawnmower that is all but guaranteed to make someone have sex with you.

 I expect that message from the media. I don’t know why deep down in my heart I don’t expect it from the Church, but every time I run across it being preached, I’m surprised and a little hurt. 

I’m single. I’m not looking. And according to the Church, I’m crazy. 

Haven’t you noticed that the whole Current Unpleasantness has a distinctly orgasm-centric undertone? Those who don’t believe there should be GLBT people think the whole problem with GLBT people is that they just need to find the right, heterosexual orgasm friend*. And a lot of the argument, in fact, most of the argument on the GLBT side is “We want to marry!”

You know, I’m all for marriage being redefined as a relationship between two people consecrated before God and protected by the laws of the civil government in the jurisdiction where they live. But I’m single and not looking and not having sex and therefore a lot of this arguing does not impact my life. 

Yeah, it might in the future, but right now and for the forseeable future? It don’t.

And that is FUCKING ANNOYING.

Am I not a child of God? Am I not a tithing member of the Church, supporting not only my local ministries but the diocese and even the National Church with my time, talents, gifts and presence? Am I not seated on governing councils and am I not a volunteer in district events? Am I not working for peace and justice here and abroad? Am I not praying, preaching, blessing, and serving? Am I a member of this Church or not?

Because the message that I keep hearing over and over and over again, a subliminal viper of a message slinking its way through the entire Current Unpleasantness is that I cannot be a member, I cannot participate fully, I do not have an interest in the survival of my Church, I am not a complete human being, unless I am having orgasms with someone else.


Fuck.

That.

Shit.

 *Name the Buffy quote, get a cookie. 

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Filed under *headdesk*, me being myself, meditations, teh sex

Coming from you, ‘friend’ is a four-letter word.

Grar. I’m going to vent now. There’s going to be very little high-fluffy-can’t-we-all-just-get-along content, so you can skip this, I won’t get mad.

* * * * *

I really, really, really love my friends. I have great friends. I don’t make friends easily, so the ones I do have I keep around for a long time, like, more than half my life.

Of course, that becomes problematic if, you know, at one point you had a friend who became more-than-a-friend who went back to being a friend and for some reason (maybe from watching too much Sex in the City) believes it’s now their job to ensure that you are getting laid.

No, seriously, after saying, “Hi, darlin’!” when I called, the next words out of my friend’s mouth were, “Are you getting laid?”

First of all, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Second of all, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!

Ai yah, hui-ah lei! Can people PLEASE stop thinking with their gonads / about other people’s gonads for just TEN MINUTES?

If you’ll excuse me, now I have to go place some orders for the OB/GYN department.

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Filed under *headdesk*, me being myself, teh sex