I dunno if it’s the weather or it’s the factit’s a ghost town outside my window, or that my NaNovel is really depressing this year and that’s affecting me more than I’d like to admit, but today is stretching grey and featureless ahead of me. I was very excited yesterday that I had 38 whole hours where no one was expecting me to be anywhere and I turned down several invitations to go and be with people
Now? I’m cold and tired and a bit lonely.
(And watching some damnfools stand on the steps of the coffee shop across the street, completely lost because it’s closed. Heee. *drinks her own coffee*)
The plan for today was to bang out some words on my novel, but I’m losing all desire to write it. I think because when I set out tow rite a novel about a girl who’s stuck in an endless self-loathing cycle and can’t learn a single thing from her mistakes, well, I didn’t expect it to hit quite so close to home. I’m unpacking some pretty deep psychological problems here, without the supervision of a mental health professional.
That way lies madness and Stephen King’s entire body of work.
I have another novel in the wings. It’s about another wounded soul, a little girl making it through the world as well as she can. But in that book, the heros are better defined, there’s less grey uncertainty, and the demons can be stopped with a little stabby action from a sanctified sword.
I’m going to keep trying on the grey novel when I get back from St. Crankypants. It’s still early in the day, the caffeine hasn’t really hit my brain, and I issued a challenge on the NaNoWriMo forums to do a wordcount battle with anyone who’s cooking turkey this afternoon.
You know what I’m thankful for? I’m thankful my dramarama issues are existential. I’ve got a roof, central heat, and power for my laptop. I don’t have to worry about my next meal, it’s defrosting in the fridge. I’m thankful that if I want it, next year, I’ll have dozens of offers of places to go and be social on Thanksgiving, just like I will on Easter.
I’m thankful for the adventure. Bring it on.
Almighty God, Father of all mercies, we your unworthy servants give you humble thanks for all your goodness and loving-kindness to us and to all whom you have made. We bless you for our creation, preservation, and all the blessings of this life; but above all for your immeasurable love in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ; for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory. And, we pray, give us such an awareness of your mercies, that with truly thankful hearts we may show forth your praise, not only with our lips, but in our lives, by giving up our selves to your service, and by walking before you in holiness and righteousness all our days; through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit, be honor and glory throughout all ages. Amen.