The title of this post comes from a lovely and depressing song by Better Than Ezra called “One More Murder”. Which is playing on my iPod right now because I’m psyching myself up to write a (hopefully) lovely and depressing novel for National Novel Writing Month this year*.
Here’s the thing: whenever someone says that they’re ‘seeking God’s presence’ or ‘God’s voice’ or something along those lines, the first thought that pops into my head is “What the hell? Why?”
It’s an authentic response out of my own life; the two times that I experienced God’s presence and voice the clearest were the two times I was trying v. v. hard to not-live.
Yeah. Not something I want to repeat. Not something I want my worstest enemy to repeat**.
Which, of course, makes it very difficult to discern anything regarding vocation*** if your spiritual life is based upon the axiom, “Shhh! You can’t see me! I’m indabisivle!”
*The novel’s plot is about a woman who was a superhero as a teenager, faked her own death to get out of the life, and was found again ten years later and asked to help save the planet against an old foe. She has to face the fact that running away didn’t change her problems or her life significantly. In the end I’m thinking of having her run away again, not learning her lesson. Because I like antiheros and NaNoWriMo is cheaper than psychotherapy.
**Not something I want to talk about right now. Maybe later.
*** in the broad sense of the word, not the “Holy Orders yay!” sense of the word, ’cause we’ve had THAT conversation, ta.
****My coworkers (including my geeky buddy) just informed me I’m acting a lot wierder than usual. I think I’m okay with that.