Fun With Managed Care

All Day – Trouble concentrating. Chalk it up to end of headcold, which is causing me to hack up chunky green things and inable to swallow much. Coffee has been medium of major calorie consumption for last three days.

3.30pm – Notice pain in ear is about a 6 on the damned smiley face scale. Feels like there’s fluid behind the eardrum. Throw a few drops of 151 rum in there and lay on side for 30 minutes.

4.45pm – Pain is ratcheting up to a seven, notice hearing loss. Start freaking out.

5.30pm – Pain is seven with lovely spikes to nine. Hearing loss in left ear is about down to 80 dB. Locate urgent care center that’s open and takes my healthcare. It’s 6.6 miles away, if I take the freeway. Since it’s rush hour, I don’t take the freeway.

6.13pm – Official clock in time at clinic. Told wait will be ‘about an hour, probably less’. Pain? Sucktacular, wincing, stomping foot, whining like little girl levels. Want my mommy.

6.30pm – Can’t concentrate enough to read Kushiel’s Dart, call Mommy and Daddy to wish them safe trip as they leave tomorrow morning for the 600 mile drive to Portland. Am amused by their naievete with regards to Portland weather “The weatherman says it won’t rain for two days.” Carefully do not mention I am at the doctor. Will probably pay for that tomorrow.

7:00pm – Pain makes me cry. HATE WORLD! Feel sorry for small children also in pain, think about wringing the neck of one who came in after me but goes back before I do, someone remind me to do penance for that, k?

7:45pm – Go in to see doctor. Looks in the usual orifices, tells me that sinus pressure has caused my eardrum to suck in so hard that he can see the outline of the small bones in it. I say, “Oh. OW!” He says, “No kidding, so antibiotics, sudafed, VICODIN!” I whimper “Yes, please.”

8.15pm – Get across street to Fred Meyer’s pharmacy. Absolutely no line. Tell them to nix the sudafed, it’s going to cost more than the Vicodin and antibiotics combined, since I don’t have prescription coverage (may not even have medical coverage, but we’ll worry about that later…) Pharmacist notices I have the same birthday as her boyfriend, 9/11. “Um, no, my birthday is 9/16″. Oh, narcotics, bla bla, can’t fill it, bla bla, we close at nine.”

8.20pm – Back at clinic. Staff is all, “Dubbleyewteeeffthey wouldn’t fill it?”

8.30pm – Told to go back over, they were calling it in.

8.35pm – Get back to Freddie’s, no line at the pharm, it’s been called in. It’ll be up in a jiff.

8.37pm – Half of Northeast Portland decides to pick up their scripts.

8.58pm – Timestamp on my receipt for drugs. Decide not to dry-swallow Vicodin as from past experience it will probably take less than half an hour to work, but longer than a half an hour to get home, and make me Loopy McLooperston. Whimper. Mommy, make the owie stop…

9.30pm – Time I took first antibiotic and VICODIN! Popped in The Dead Zone season 1 disc 1, figure I’ll know that the painkillers are working when the ex-fiancee doesn’t make me want to beat her head into the floor.

9.51pm – Oh, wow, I heart Vicodin so much right now I want to have its little caplet children. Pain is a 3 on the smiley face scale, and I love EVERYONE!

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Fun With Managed Care

  1. And Vicodin loves you too, so very very much!

    Glory, glory, it really does! — Mary Sue

  2. I’m sorry, dear, I’ll try to be as pastoral as possible here, but, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING PUTTING RUM IN YER EAR????!!!!??? Dear, sweet, girl, let me tell you as a person living in the Tropics: Rum (especially Ron Abuelo Añejo, ¡el Ron de Panamá!) is for de mout dem, not your eah! Tropex™ Gotas Otias para tu oído.
    I’m sorry you suffered so much pain. Offer it up to the Lord. Remember, God will never give you more than you can take (so claim my congregation, to which I respond, “yeah, right!”).

    Now, do you want to sell any of that vicodin?

  3. Poor Mary Sue! Thank God for Vicodin!!!

  4. Brilliant line–“I want to have its little caplet children.”

    The OTC decongestants are just as good as sudafed. Hope you are resting, eating, and getting well.